Things no one told me about Newborn Care

I read every book, went to classes, talked to my friends and my mom.

I had the nursery set up, a car seat, a stroller, had a baby shower so diapers, wipes, Onesies and tons of unnecessary ironic things like Nike sneakers and tiny Timberland boots.

I was planning to breastfeed but listened to everyone so I had bottles and formula just in case. I had cloth diapers, bibs and receiving blankets.

I was prepared to manage the pain of childbirth and the discomfort as my milk came in. I planned to get as much sleep as possible in the hospital since this was it, my sleep and slumber is forever going to change. I’ll never again “sleep like a log,” I am to look forward to a life of catnaps, or at leas for the next 5 years. blah blah blah.

All went basically according to plan at the hospital. And then we came home.

I’m in the back seat staring at this tiny baby slumped in this plastic car seat. I guess I was convinced he was going to spontaneously fly out if it?

We came home with 5 or 6 plastic patient bags filled with whatever the nice nurses 5-fingered for me. Diapers, formula, blankets (pink and blue bears, today they are striped) There were small blue plastic bowls, larger pink bowls for the bath items. A large container of Tucks, a small squirt bottle, a sitz-bath. Lots of crack open frozen maxi pads. aka “padsicles ” and of course the love/hate one-size-fits-all net underwear. These are not available at Victoria Secret….

Unable to scoot in my chair due to stitches and not yet healed episiotomy, no handicapped bar on my bed to easily sit up, no rolling bassinet with removable “chucks” pads. Unrecognizable breasts and no lactation consultant standing over me positioning and managing the whole breastfeeding charade…

Everything was awkward. Why now, does my cute little pink baby decide to refuse to nurse, torpedo black tar poop across the room and why can’t I swaddle like the nurses. Did he really pee into my mouth? How can this small little child be hungry again? Why didn’t I tell everyone to not come over until I can stand up without hemorrhaging all over the floor?

Why didn’t anyone tell me any of this, no one told me about Newborn Care?